thankful!

before the day i have to celebrate my being hanging on july 19, i received a call. that call changed everything. i was called by my previous employer to offer me a job as media relations officer for the office of sen. aft. i felt excited at the same time nervous for i know i have shortcomings for the job. on monday, i and ms. lynette met, without my knowledge that i would be meeting sen. aft at camp crame. i am really amazed by that experience. idol ko kasi yun eh. never did i thought i would work for this, principled and brave man.

after the meeting, i went to senate to meet his staffs. the ambiance is very light. everyone is smiling and welcoming. i'm already working there for two weeks and now looking forward more more weeks, months, and years to come. ^^

everyday, going to work, i feel nervous, nervous for i don't believe in my self. most of the time i got confused to little things like simple spellings, grammar, photo copying, printing, faxing, etc. OMG! i really wanted to prove to them that i deserve the position i have, that i'm not there because i was just recommended, but because i worked for it, i dreamed of it, and i want it badly.

just last thursday, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary, and i'm very pleased that i was able to be part of the happy family sen. aft have. we ate, we laughed, we hugged, we kissed.

AMANG SQOPQUZ, thank you for all the blessings you showered me. please help me to be competent to the blessing you have given me. to your Glory, thank you and i love you! make me an instrument to spread your words, your light.

eligibility

Thank you AMA for letting me pass the civil service exam. im now eligible. well i really dont know what impact it would do to at this moment because government job opportunities is sort of mailap.

yesterday, we tried to walk-in in government agencies, embassies, and private institutions in makati. kapagod as in but then still happy kasi im with my friends-wil, lucila, and jess.

today, i just followed up my status in my previous applications. response: "reorganizing pa po kami so please dont expect much." okay.

tomorrow, i'll try sa law firm na pinapasukan ni bhenmar. hoping for employment. ^^

friends

i was backed again yesterday when we had our exam for a job opportunity. i saw larry, faith and other bpags, then poleco. well, im happy tlga coz finally i had someone i could talk to. we shared same depressions, anxieties, and thoughts. akala ko ako lang, un pala madmi din kami.

at first, ayokong tanggapin ung work because it's just half the pay i get before but then listening to larry, "maganda na ung nkapagsimula ka". so i went back this morning, we were endorsed at bdo so we went there.

the interview is quite bad. asar tlga! pinagduduldulan nya na polscie kmi and we are not qualified to be accepted for the position of office staff support. heller! polscie students are equipped with basic skills and clerical works are basic-encoding, documentation, processing, answering phone calls, etc. db? we are not less than anybody else who took other courses!

anyway, i think it's a blessing in disguise. why? because there are rumors that bdo are late when it comes to giving salary for their employees, not only that, khit mgovertime ka kuripot sla mgdagdag ng bayad. so aun...

i thought pguwi ko khit papano gagaan na ang pkiramdam ko. i opened fb, there i saw rachael's status- i got awesome friends. i felt alone. sana mgkaron ako ng friends n katulad ng sa kanya. my friends today are out of touch, ung mga ineexpect ko namn, di namn pala ganun ang turing sakin. i am sincere and genuine sa mga nagiging kaibigan ko, however, after some separation moments, nkakalimutan n nla ako. bkit nga ba ko malulungkot, eh ganun tlga ang buhay. naalala ko tuloy ung quote about sa sand, when you put those sands in your hand, if you hold them tightly, mawawala ung iba, kapag naman niluwagan m, ganun din, but at the end of the day, meron paring sands na matitira sa palm mo at those are your genuine friends. i hope i still have my genuine friends.

ang ako

bkit ganun, everyday namn pinaglalabanan ko ung pinagdadaanan kong depression, eh, pero bkit parang lalo lng tumitindi yung nararamdaman ko....

sobrang nasaktan ako ng hindi man lang ko niyaya ni ginette sa 18th birthday nya. i saw her beautiful pictures with rachael, kua fidel, razelle and others. yes, nag expect ako na maiinvite ako sa debut nya. parang bkit ganun, i'm really out of her life na ba tlaga? pinagsisiksikan ko na lang siguro ang sarili ko. ang point ko lng namn, nging magkaibigan kmi. mdami ndin kaming pinagsamahan, sa sod trainings, parehas namn nirepresent and cefp sa univ debate, sa pss, dati ako ung pres, xa na ngaun, kc i chose her khit na madming ngdoubt at nagalit sa ginawa ko, pinaglaban ko kc naniniwala ko sa kanya. kso ung simpleng ate careen kamusta na po, eto na po ung pss,.... oo me ganun pero ung sa kanya manggagaling wla eh. mgtetext lng pag me kailangan, then pg nasabi m na ung sagot, nagawa m na ung favor, wla na. gnun nlng ba talga kadali kalimutan ung sacrifice na ginawa m. alam ko namn na hindi nla un utang na loob pero sana ung mere acts of friendship kso wla.

nasaktan lng ako kc mas gusto nila si rachael. wla naman tlga akong panglaban sa kanya. di naman sa kinukumpara ko sarili ko because obviously im less.. buti pa xa pg nagalit xa, ngsosorry agad un mga friends nya, sa sod lgi syang inaupdate, smantlang ako wla.

haizt. cge na. ako ng wlang kaibigan. ako ng talunan. ako ng walng patutunguhan.

i have to accept my place in every persons' life. for them-i'm careen na wla lng. as in ngkataon lng na magkaibigan tau dis moment of time kc sod o pss member ka, we share same aspirations for these organizations, and syempre me mpapakinabangan namn kmi sayo. pero ung pipiliin tlga naming mging kaibigan ka, i dont think so. now you graduated, it means you're out of our life. bakit? ano pa ba ang worth m samin? wla!

yes now i know. now i learned. bkit ba kailangan always the hard and painful process pa ng learning.. slamat nlng. wla nman akong mgagawa kundi i-accept na ganun nga ang tunay nyong treatment sakin. anyways, still thank you!

random thoughts

yesterday, i was given an opportunity na gumanap ng isa sa mga gawain ng isang reverend and that's pagseseremonya every sunday. tatay asked me to do it whenever kapatid santiago and him is not around.

that time, i feel the happiness, peace within me. this is my long time dream. i feel like i'm alive again. now i know the answers to my questions. thank you!

sseayp, i was not chosen to be part of it. i feel rejected coupled by the last week's rejections in our attempt to be employed in the government. we went to malacanang-pms and office of the president hr. they are looking for our eligibility which is as of now pending. tpos naabutan kmi ng lunch time so we waited for the dbm hr to resume. what we got is we don't have vacancy and you don't have eligibility.

we moved to the center of manila. dot has no vacancy, then goodly our cv is accepted in pta. then we walked to un street. we stooped at who na medyo masungit ang guard. inabot lng namin yung cv sa window and that's it. when i asked when to update, he said tawagan nlng kau. fine! then to ca, sir francis the hr secretary told us the selection process. for 2 vacancies for the position of clerk, 30 are competing for it. first, you have to have the eligibility, then you are going to have an exam prepared by the ca, finally the board will select among them. the least salary for a government employee is 8,000 per month. we went to doj. we had a surprising experience there. out of nowhere, getting our way to hr, a not so old man called us and interviewed us. out of my knowledge, he was the chief of information division. he said that he wanted to have us but we don't have the eligibility yet, he added that we should drop there any time soon as soon as we have the result. after doj is sc. since my tita was there and itay also worked there, i wanted to follow their foot steps but i feel i wont make it. then we tried at nbi, i really like the guy there when he told us " that's next to impossible! we only hire cpa and lawyers here." then we went home with sor of low spirits and dreams wrecked.

i don't want to buried my self of loneliness, depression, anxieties and all sorts. i'm still trying to have high hopes.

i just wanted to release this. i feel unaccepted which is the most painful part. may tampo talga ko sa mga officers ng pss especially ginette. she does not answering my texts, my messages. parang bkit ganun, im offering help but you are telling me na hindi namin kailangan. im offering concern tpos you're telling me, no thank you. im really attached to the organization. sometimes, when she texted me asking for something, although i don't have a load, i will do just to reply to her. pero pag ako simpleng kamusta lng wla. anyways ganun tlga siguro. i'm trying to understand, syempre bka madmi din tlga silang ginagawa na hindi na talaga masisingit ang a minute of kamustahan. fine. fine. fine....

yes! i need a company to talk to, friend to share with. gusto ko tlga silang makita ulit especially the pgs. i never feel this kind of vulnerability before. aizt....

but im planning again. hehe... never say die!

i would be getting a masteral for philippine studies at upd this 2nd semester. but i feel anxious about it. ewan ko ba. help!!!

bhala na tlga. i wanted to get law din. isa isa lng. hehe..

AMA please help!

Wandering

as i remembered, i am a planner person. during college years, i already know what will happen in my life after graduation. i posted it on my wall, read it everyday, and think of it. according kasi sa nabasa kong book, if you write your goals, read it and think it over and over, it will soon become true. kaso lang as my college days progressed, i failed to do the ritual because of the busy days. i promised my self during those days that i will rest a year, communicate within me, know which way to go, decipher what i really wanted in this world and be a better person, daughter for my GOD. then it is happening right now. what differ is that yes i am resting but for a nothing purpose. i am not doing what am i suppose to do. i'm vacant, i'm empty. everyday, all i accomplished is making the house clean, watch television and that's it.


gusto kong mag-aral ulit that's for sure. ang hindi ko alam what would be that something i wanted to pursue. before i wanted to be a lawyer because of the prestige i will be having, then an ambassador because of the immunities i would get, then now, i fell in love to my country i wanted to take a masteral regarding philippines and travel in each 7, 107 islands (tama ba), of course i really wanted to pusue my dream of becoming the real daughter of AMANG SQOPQUZ.


last few days, i really had some questions in my mind after i attended the reverend's meeting. ang sabi kasi ni Kap. Pedro, "natanggap at nakikilala ba natin ang AMA dahil sa naramdaman natin Sya at buong puso nating alam na Sya na nga, o dahil sa pinakilala lamang Sya sa atin ni Kap. Lualhati o ng ibang kapatiran..." tumimo yun sa isip ko. totoo nga bang mahal ko ang AMA dahil mahal ko Sya; hindi dahil eto na kasi ang nakamulatan kong relihiyon?

madaming tanong. kea ang buhay ko walang direksyon. gusto ko kasing maramdaman ang presensya ng AMA tulad ng pagkakalarawan sa Kaniya ni Tita Ema, Tatay, Itay at iba pa. ang sagot naman ng isip ko, hindi pa ako ganung kapuro upang makadaupang palad nga Sya. tungkol naman sa unang tanong, yes i love Him. may mga pagkakataon na ko dati na mgpunta sa iba't ibang religion, but i did feel something wrong. hindi natahimik ang puso ko tulad ng payapang pakiramdam ng nasa AMA ako.


maybe, so maybe naiingit lang ako. i know mahal ko Sya but im not showing it in words, actions, and me being me as myself. i admit, natatakot akong magkamali, mapulaan, mahusgahan. but then, sabi nga we have to make out of the best of the profit given to us.

some are minor issues. i have to address my spiritual clamor, and if i arranged it, i believe everything will be okay.

i know what to do. i have to seize the day. carpie diem! these moments of wandering will be turned into moment of knowing, of result. i will read the bible, articles, and other stuffs. i will make my self stronger in loving and believing Him..

sana nga magawa ko ito. i will!