friends

i was backed again yesterday when we had our exam for a job opportunity. i saw larry, faith and other bpags, then poleco. well, im happy tlga coz finally i had someone i could talk to. we shared same depressions, anxieties, and thoughts. akala ko ako lang, un pala madmi din kami.

at first, ayokong tanggapin ung work because it's just half the pay i get before but then listening to larry, "maganda na ung nkapagsimula ka". so i went back this morning, we were endorsed at bdo so we went there.

the interview is quite bad. asar tlga! pinagduduldulan nya na polscie kmi and we are not qualified to be accepted for the position of office staff support. heller! polscie students are equipped with basic skills and clerical works are basic-encoding, documentation, processing, answering phone calls, etc. db? we are not less than anybody else who took other courses!

anyway, i think it's a blessing in disguise. why? because there are rumors that bdo are late when it comes to giving salary for their employees, not only that, khit mgovertime ka kuripot sla mgdagdag ng bayad. so aun...

i thought pguwi ko khit papano gagaan na ang pkiramdam ko. i opened fb, there i saw rachael's status- i got awesome friends. i felt alone. sana mgkaron ako ng friends n katulad ng sa kanya. my friends today are out of touch, ung mga ineexpect ko namn, di namn pala ganun ang turing sakin. i am sincere and genuine sa mga nagiging kaibigan ko, however, after some separation moments, nkakalimutan n nla ako. bkit nga ba ko malulungkot, eh ganun tlga ang buhay. naalala ko tuloy ung quote about sa sand, when you put those sands in your hand, if you hold them tightly, mawawala ung iba, kapag naman niluwagan m, ganun din, but at the end of the day, meron paring sands na matitira sa palm mo at those are your genuine friends. i hope i still have my genuine friends.

ang ako

bkit ganun, everyday namn pinaglalabanan ko ung pinagdadaanan kong depression, eh, pero bkit parang lalo lng tumitindi yung nararamdaman ko....

sobrang nasaktan ako ng hindi man lang ko niyaya ni ginette sa 18th birthday nya. i saw her beautiful pictures with rachael, kua fidel, razelle and others. yes, nag expect ako na maiinvite ako sa debut nya. parang bkit ganun, i'm really out of her life na ba tlaga? pinagsisiksikan ko na lang siguro ang sarili ko. ang point ko lng namn, nging magkaibigan kmi. mdami ndin kaming pinagsamahan, sa sod trainings, parehas namn nirepresent and cefp sa univ debate, sa pss, dati ako ung pres, xa na ngaun, kc i chose her khit na madming ngdoubt at nagalit sa ginawa ko, pinaglaban ko kc naniniwala ko sa kanya. kso ung simpleng ate careen kamusta na po, eto na po ung pss,.... oo me ganun pero ung sa kanya manggagaling wla eh. mgtetext lng pag me kailangan, then pg nasabi m na ung sagot, nagawa m na ung favor, wla na. gnun nlng ba talga kadali kalimutan ung sacrifice na ginawa m. alam ko namn na hindi nla un utang na loob pero sana ung mere acts of friendship kso wla.

nasaktan lng ako kc mas gusto nila si rachael. wla naman tlga akong panglaban sa kanya. di naman sa kinukumpara ko sarili ko because obviously im less.. buti pa xa pg nagalit xa, ngsosorry agad un mga friends nya, sa sod lgi syang inaupdate, smantlang ako wla.

haizt. cge na. ako ng wlang kaibigan. ako ng talunan. ako ng walng patutunguhan.

i have to accept my place in every persons' life. for them-i'm careen na wla lng. as in ngkataon lng na magkaibigan tau dis moment of time kc sod o pss member ka, we share same aspirations for these organizations, and syempre me mpapakinabangan namn kmi sayo. pero ung pipiliin tlga naming mging kaibigan ka, i dont think so. now you graduated, it means you're out of our life. bakit? ano pa ba ang worth m samin? wla!

yes now i know. now i learned. bkit ba kailangan always the hard and painful process pa ng learning.. slamat nlng. wla nman akong mgagawa kundi i-accept na ganun nga ang tunay nyong treatment sakin. anyways, still thank you!

random thoughts

yesterday, i was given an opportunity na gumanap ng isa sa mga gawain ng isang reverend and that's pagseseremonya every sunday. tatay asked me to do it whenever kapatid santiago and him is not around.

that time, i feel the happiness, peace within me. this is my long time dream. i feel like i'm alive again. now i know the answers to my questions. thank you!

sseayp, i was not chosen to be part of it. i feel rejected coupled by the last week's rejections in our attempt to be employed in the government. we went to malacanang-pms and office of the president hr. they are looking for our eligibility which is as of now pending. tpos naabutan kmi ng lunch time so we waited for the dbm hr to resume. what we got is we don't have vacancy and you don't have eligibility.

we moved to the center of manila. dot has no vacancy, then goodly our cv is accepted in pta. then we walked to un street. we stooped at who na medyo masungit ang guard. inabot lng namin yung cv sa window and that's it. when i asked when to update, he said tawagan nlng kau. fine! then to ca, sir francis the hr secretary told us the selection process. for 2 vacancies for the position of clerk, 30 are competing for it. first, you have to have the eligibility, then you are going to have an exam prepared by the ca, finally the board will select among them. the least salary for a government employee is 8,000 per month. we went to doj. we had a surprising experience there. out of nowhere, getting our way to hr, a not so old man called us and interviewed us. out of my knowledge, he was the chief of information division. he said that he wanted to have us but we don't have the eligibility yet, he added that we should drop there any time soon as soon as we have the result. after doj is sc. since my tita was there and itay also worked there, i wanted to follow their foot steps but i feel i wont make it. then we tried at nbi, i really like the guy there when he told us " that's next to impossible! we only hire cpa and lawyers here." then we went home with sor of low spirits and dreams wrecked.

i don't want to buried my self of loneliness, depression, anxieties and all sorts. i'm still trying to have high hopes.

i just wanted to release this. i feel unaccepted which is the most painful part. may tampo talga ko sa mga officers ng pss especially ginette. she does not answering my texts, my messages. parang bkit ganun, im offering help but you are telling me na hindi namin kailangan. im offering concern tpos you're telling me, no thank you. im really attached to the organization. sometimes, when she texted me asking for something, although i don't have a load, i will do just to reply to her. pero pag ako simpleng kamusta lng wla. anyways ganun tlga siguro. i'm trying to understand, syempre bka madmi din tlga silang ginagawa na hindi na talaga masisingit ang a minute of kamustahan. fine. fine. fine....

yes! i need a company to talk to, friend to share with. gusto ko tlga silang makita ulit especially the pgs. i never feel this kind of vulnerability before. aizt....

but im planning again. hehe... never say die!

i would be getting a masteral for philippine studies at upd this 2nd semester. but i feel anxious about it. ewan ko ba. help!!!

bhala na tlga. i wanted to get law din. isa isa lng. hehe..

AMA please help!

Wandering

as i remembered, i am a planner person. during college years, i already know what will happen in my life after graduation. i posted it on my wall, read it everyday, and think of it. according kasi sa nabasa kong book, if you write your goals, read it and think it over and over, it will soon become true. kaso lang as my college days progressed, i failed to do the ritual because of the busy days. i promised my self during those days that i will rest a year, communicate within me, know which way to go, decipher what i really wanted in this world and be a better person, daughter for my GOD. then it is happening right now. what differ is that yes i am resting but for a nothing purpose. i am not doing what am i suppose to do. i'm vacant, i'm empty. everyday, all i accomplished is making the house clean, watch television and that's it.


gusto kong mag-aral ulit that's for sure. ang hindi ko alam what would be that something i wanted to pursue. before i wanted to be a lawyer because of the prestige i will be having, then an ambassador because of the immunities i would get, then now, i fell in love to my country i wanted to take a masteral regarding philippines and travel in each 7, 107 islands (tama ba), of course i really wanted to pusue my dream of becoming the real daughter of AMANG SQOPQUZ.


last few days, i really had some questions in my mind after i attended the reverend's meeting. ang sabi kasi ni Kap. Pedro, "natanggap at nakikilala ba natin ang AMA dahil sa naramdaman natin Sya at buong puso nating alam na Sya na nga, o dahil sa pinakilala lamang Sya sa atin ni Kap. Lualhati o ng ibang kapatiran..." tumimo yun sa isip ko. totoo nga bang mahal ko ang AMA dahil mahal ko Sya; hindi dahil eto na kasi ang nakamulatan kong relihiyon?

madaming tanong. kea ang buhay ko walang direksyon. gusto ko kasing maramdaman ang presensya ng AMA tulad ng pagkakalarawan sa Kaniya ni Tita Ema, Tatay, Itay at iba pa. ang sagot naman ng isip ko, hindi pa ako ganung kapuro upang makadaupang palad nga Sya. tungkol naman sa unang tanong, yes i love Him. may mga pagkakataon na ko dati na mgpunta sa iba't ibang religion, but i did feel something wrong. hindi natahimik ang puso ko tulad ng payapang pakiramdam ng nasa AMA ako.


maybe, so maybe naiingit lang ako. i know mahal ko Sya but im not showing it in words, actions, and me being me as myself. i admit, natatakot akong magkamali, mapulaan, mahusgahan. but then, sabi nga we have to make out of the best of the profit given to us.

some are minor issues. i have to address my spiritual clamor, and if i arranged it, i believe everything will be okay.

i know what to do. i have to seize the day. carpie diem! these moments of wandering will be turned into moment of knowing, of result. i will read the bible, articles, and other stuffs. i will make my self stronger in loving and believing Him..

sana nga magawa ko ito. i will!

bakit?

going to office this day, i gave my salary for my father, 5k for the church and 5k for his project, then we found out that 1k for his project was lost. i am really shattered. takte!! bkit!! dun ko lng nilagay yun, cnong kumuha?!!!


sobrang depressing kasi. hindi naman un para sakin, para yun sa pagtulong ko tapos ganun pa. my first 2 salaries were not spent for my self alone, but i gave it to my loved ones and my Priority. then why? it's so unfair tlaga.

ewan ko ba. kung anu-ano naiisip ko ngayon. cguro nagtatampo sakin ang AMA. naipangako ko kasi magbibigay ako ng 10 k sa church sa unang sweldo ko. ang nangyari kasi my first salary was spent for my graduation. tpos siguro karma- kamuntikan n kong grumaduate sa taxi. buti nlang 2 minutes before the ceremony starts, nasa word trade center nako. tpos ngayon kasi, i halved the 10k promise. 5k for my father, because i also promise that i would help him for his project in cagayan, so 5k nalng matitira for the church. kulang ng another 5k. kea siguro nwalan ako ng 1k for my father's project. haay. nakakaiyak talaga. pede po bang intindihin muna AMA. haay.....


may tatlo akong suspect eh-c nanay, c carla-kapatid ko, c ate ruby-kamag-anak namin na tagalinis ng bahay. syempre ang nanay ko hindi nya yun gagawin sakin, sa dami ng pera nun. so dalawa nalang, c carla at ate ruby. hindi naman kasi naka-lock ang kwarto ko at yung pera nilagay ko lang dun sa gilid ng cabinet ko.

c carla: 1. labas - pasok sa kwarto ko; 2. galit un sakin eh, ksi dapt sbay kaming pupuntang mindoro for our reunion pero di na natuloy kasi nahiya na ko magpaalam dito sa office; 3. madami na syang history ng pangunguha ng pera sa bahay, mostly si nanay ang biktima. kahit kitang-kita na, never naman syang umamin.

c ate ruby:1. labas-pasok din sya sa kwarto ko, syempre nililinis nya un; 2. tinanong ko sya sabi nya never daw sya naglinis dun, pero nung inulit ko ung tanong-nagwawalis lang daw sya at hindi nya pinupunasan ang mga bagay-bagay sa kwarto ko. (bakit kelangan nyang mag-deny na naglinis sya when i first asked her, and kapag ba walis lang ginawa mo, would that free you from getting money to my cabinet...); 3. nasa gipit sila ngayon. suppose to be going to abroad sya to work but it was found out that she was pregnant, she does not have any other work than to be our helpy.

ayun. pinagdasal ko nalng ang mga bagay-bagay. nakakadepress.... haay..........

goals/wish list

It's really hard to anticipate something on which you're not sure of. I'm hoping that by the end of this month, i would be able to know: 1. whether or not i'll continue my job here, whether i'll be absorbed or given some other works to do. 2. praying to pass my panel interview for sseayp at the 26ht of may. really hoping to be part of it.

i wish to have a vacation grande for this month. actually i initiated to have our first time ever vacation with the whole family at cagayan but i was not able to come due to work which made me really gloomy. then the mindoro reunion is also missed. the only thing that happened was our reunion in my mother side at the club house which is very near to us. im still hoping to have that dream vacation because that's is a gift for my hardworks during college days. oh god please give it to me!

right now, im really at thinking mode on how will i have a financially stable life. i have big plans and i need big money. when i was given the opportunity to work here, they said im fortunate because of my salary and the nature of work however, unfortunately the salary is spent already and i have zero savings. but im happy because i was given a chance to give something for my loved ones and my Priority. it just made me realize that 20k is not enough for me, for my needs or i should have managed it well. parang pup, its not the budget but the misallocation of budget. hehe..


un lng naman. ^^

the fruitful four years

i'm really scared to express my self to people, i oftentimes feel inferior to others that's why im not using facebook's notes and i'm not sharing my blog's account.

last may 14, 2010, we were appertained as graduates of batch 2010 of the polytechnic university of the philippines. i know its not yet too late to express my thoughts about our graduation, my gratitude to the people who helped me to have what i have right now and to reminisce all the memories i had during college years.

how many times did i regret entering pup, how many times i asked my parents to transfer me to other schools, how many times did i belittle pup and say "sa pup lang".

first year at pup is not that smooth. this was the time i am really wandering, no focus in life, doubting the future and have many confusions in my self. im a stranger in this big world. in my quest of finding what is important- i found a mistake that changed my life. it was hard to accept that i fell to his dirty tactics, i really had a hard time learning to forgive my self.

im really an enthusiast of being an army girl. i love everything about it. on the second semester of my 1st year, i decided to become an officer. i cut my long hair into 2 by 3 whitout any hesitations. i dedicated my time being a plebo. however, getting into my dream is really draining. i have to overcome physical challenges, which i really can't do. many was schocked. i think i had mistaken their first impression on me. my parents intervened and gave me this:" mag-ooficer ka o mag-aaral ka?." i chose the latter, i quit and got back to my academics.

2nd year is like my first year. i still don't know what to do, where to belong, what will make me excellent. i joined the delta pi omicron sorority even though i know the consequences ahead of me.

the happiest moment of second year was when i became the best debater of our sophomore debate challenge. from that, i started to work hard to master the craft of debating.

third year came, this was i think the opening of opportunities for me. i was asked to be the vp-external of pss, which i said yes right away. from then on, i found not only the answer of where i belong, but it gave me a direction, friends and a best friend-ate jeza. she's the first one who believed in me, the only one that said "kaya mo yan!". ate jeza is the only person who genuinely believed i can.

you know who, opened up doors for us. sometimes, pakiramdam ko mahilig lang tlaga syang mag-power trip. i became an ousted speaker of the house, kamuntikan pa kaming mag-kasamaan ng loob ni chael but everything is okay. first time ko ding umiyak in crowd of people because of kuya emil. daming drama pag parl-pro. anyways, you know who, thought me the reality of politics until fourth year, though he's not my prof anymore.

i also exprerienced the the 7th nyp, badap... it was my first time to attend a conference like that. i met youth leaders from different sectors of the society and became friends with them. syempre, mawawala ba dito ung pagbantaan ako ni kenedy, in response i tried to blotter him which is thankfully unsuccessful.

yes, panu ko rin ba kakalimutan ang isa pang pagkakamali, ang hirap talgang matuto. haay. i hope i was forgiven.

at oo, naging kaaway ko din ang mga red people. i became the campaign manager of cefp. dahil naging sobrang bibo ako sa kilos, i was hated nung hindi ako masyadong nag-painvolve when i became the pss president in fourth year.

fourth year, new challenges, new stresses. pss-i became the president of pss 2009-2010. dito ko naranasan lahat ng turmoil of leadership. some people tried to bring me down, ewan ko ba. thankful tlaga ako kay erika whose my secretary for not leaving my side and my other officers as well. kay sir elmer din na adviser namin, at first i thought he did not care for us, but when the biggest problem came, he stood at our side. thank you!

siguro nga wla tlaga akong utang na loob. im sorry po. im just following what my objectives are. ayoko lang po ng nagagamit at nagpapagamit lalong-lalu na kapag mahal ko na ang nasasangkalan. i love pss so much.

natupad ko din ang pangarap ko na marepresent ang college sa university week. thank you sa sod family, ang pangalawa kong pamilya lalo na kay rachael na talagang nag-tyagang i-train kami. you never let us feel na kulang ang kakayanan namin, you never let us feel na inferior kami. thank you!

mawawala ba ang barkadahang pgs. i admit, may mga tampo ako but then, ganun lang yun, im still your friend and you are my friends. thanks kay lucila, na simula first year, andyan sa tabi ko. walang kalimutan huh. love you!

sa wakas, jess-thanks po. pasensya na sa mga mood swings ko. naiinis ksi ako pag nkikita kita, parang naglilihi lang. hehe.. higit sa lahat, sa pagtanggap mo sakin. im trying to change para satin. please dont feel na kulang ka for me, me topak lang tlaga ko madalas, promise magiging minsan na ang madalas. love you po. ^^

sa pamilya ko, kay nanay na pinagkalat na cum laude ako, sensya napo ah minalas kay sir pinalas. kay tatay na laging cool at laging handang magbigay ng mga payo, kay carla na weird. hehe. tpusin m ang 5 years stay m sa pup with your accountancy. kay aya na laging proud sakin, thanks aya, mahaba pa ang pagdadaanan m, andito lng kami. bku ka tlaga! haha!!

AMANG SQOPQUZ, maraming salamat po sa pagpapala at pamamatnubay sa akin. salamat po sa laging pagpapatawad sa mga kasalanan ko at pagtanggap Nyo sakin bilang anak. mahal na mahal ko po Kayo. tulungan po ninyo ako magbago para sa Inyo.


p.s. kay ate abby din, salamat dahil sayo di ako nakasama sa mga vacation trips ko this summer, haha!! kapalit naman ay perang nwala nalng ng di ko namamalayan. thank you for introducing me to the work force. ^^

sa lahat maraming maraming salamat!

pup-tunay kang pinagpala. hindi hindi ako makakalimot sa inang umaruga sa akin ng apat na taon.
sa mga aktibista sa sintang paaralan, baguhin ng konti ang style, its good to identify the problems but it would be better to offer a solution. ^^